the stages of grief (after losing your job)

how fun is "funemployment" really?

Hi. It’s time to be honest:

My name is Sophia and in 2024, I was unemployed for 5 months, when I decided to go freelance (the closest I’ve ever been to nepo-baby status—but hey, I worked hard on my projects!)—but none of this matters because the fact of the matter doesn’t change:

I lost my coveted white collar job that I started right out of college and I’ve been having an existential crisis ever since.

Now, this might seem dramatic. Because it is. While this is not the worst problem in the world–there is a certain inherent drama in losing your job. What might be a run-of-the-mill business decision for a company, can alter the lives of their victims. Suddenly, things you didn't have to worry about: steady income, healthcare, retirement savings, etc. all become uncertain. And in a culture that ties career success to your identity, losing your job means a loss of identity. I had been working my whole life (work hard in school—>go to good college—>work hard in college—>get a good job—>work hard in job—>?). Suddenly, I wasn’t working at all. Hence, the existential crisis.

Before I dive in deeper, let’s get some FAQs out of the way:

• What was your coveted white-collar job?

Cool! Someone who hasn’t already stalked me on LinkedIn (I would have)! I was a management consultant in the financial services and retail/consumer goods industries.

• Did you like your job?

I learned a lot, and I really liked all the people I worked with. Some of my best friends are from that job.

• Did you see it coming?

Yes and no. Sometimes your worst fears do come true.

• Well, at least you don’t have to be stressed at work anymore! You’re so lucky! 

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!

Sorry, I lost my cool there. There’s a difference between being an optimist and being wrong. I’m sure you mean well. Yes, in the long run, I’m sure it will be fine, and I might even muse upon my unemployed era wistfully and fondly. But I swear every unemployed person gets selective amnesia or something after they start working again. Kind of like a mother and the miracle of birth. It must be an evolutionary necessity for people to forget how horrible that process is. 

Losing your job and being unemployed (unwillingly) is stressful. I have not known true peace in so long. But, more on that later.

• What did you do after? Why hadn't you found a job for 5 months? What are you doing now? What’s next?

Jeez, you sure do ask a lot of questions! Patience, Reader, I’ll answer all of these questions and more.

The Stages of Grief (After losing your job)

I’m sure you’re all familiar with the stages of grief. I’m going to apply this framework to the emotional journey of losing my job. I think it explains what I was/am going through and why unemployment freaking sucks.

Stage 1: Denial

Initially refusing to believe the job loss is happening, minimizing its impact, or feeling numb.

Suddenly, there were no more late-night Slack messages. No more last-minute calendar invites. No data cleanups. I had no more access to PowerPoint. My transformer brick of a corporate computer was gone. Once upon a time, I had cursed all of these things. And then, just like that, they were all gone. I couldn’t believe it. I had cried once when I first found out–and then never again. I was remarkably calm, and nonchalant.

I didn’t tell any of my friends for a while. I was pretty embarrassed. And if I did tell someone, I would see their shocked, pitiful expression, and just shrug. Whatever, it’s fine, I’d say. It’s really not that big of a deal. I continued to live my life the same as if I was still working, still getting those paychecks–well, with more time to socialize.

And heck, I’ll say it–I deserved an Oscar for that performance. I was so good, that I even fooled myself. No corporate job could hurt me! I would deny them that. For a while, anyway.

But the show must go on, and eventually, the curtain draws closed. So be honest and tell all the people you trust about losing your job. Believe me, you want to have a good support system for when it all comes crashing down. Because more likely than not, even if you pretend to be okay, you’re probably not. And that’s okay.

Stage 2: Anger

Feeling frustrated, resentful, and possibly directing anger towards the company, colleagues, or even oneself.

I don’t remember when the anger set in, but once it did, there was no hiding it. Any mention of anything resembling work sent me into a blind rage. Jokes were made, and tea was spilled. I felt like Anger from Pixar’s Inside Out had taken over my brain operations–flaming head and all. 

The one thing I will say on that is to PLEASE take out your frustration in a healthy way. Working out was my release. It’s honestly a fantastic motivator–you can let out all of your aggression and then get some nice endorphins at the end of it. I would almost bet that 70% of people at the gym are using anger to their advantage. Especially that dude who screams at the end of his sets. He might need a hug too.

I’m a regular at my boxing studio–and I made a point to go more often during my anger stage of grief. Those punching bags definitely felt my fury. (To my trainer Chris, if you are reading this, thanks for reminding me in each session to get back up again and keep punching harder!! Everyone should have a Chris in their life.)

Something I didn’t share with my friends, however, is that I realized I was also pretty angry at myself. How could I let this happen to me? I wasn’t a loser. I was supposed to be better than this. I internalized a lot of self-hatred, and it set me back. I’m still kind of working through this today.

But what I know now is: that unemployment can happen to anyone, no matter how prepared or awesome you are. No one is immune–not really. Please don’t sit in anger, blaming yourself or others. Channel that anger, and get back into the ring.

Stage 3: Bargaining

Attempting to negotiate with oneself or a higher power, wishing things could be different, or trying to find ways to "fix" the situation.

Soon enough, that anger turned into feverish action. I applied to soooo many jobs. LinkedIn was probably my most used app. I was so desperate to find anything to fill the unemployment-shaped hole in my life. If I fit the criteria–even slightly–I would apply. In my head, it was just go go go!

Every day I would wake up, grab my cup of coffee, and sit at the computer applying to jobs all day long. I spent my 9-5 looking for my 9-5. Sometimes as soon as I opened my eyes, I would grab my phone and lazily scroll through LinkedIn “easy apply” jobs in bed before I got up.

My days were monotonous. I had so many interviews (for some reason jobs these days like to make candidates go through 20 rounds before giving someone an offer), that I memorized my spiel nearly verbatim. I was fortunate to get far in the process for some of them–but never made it past the final round. There was always someone else who was better than me. Time and time again, I fell short. I knew that I could do a great job wherever I went, but for some reason, I didn’t fit into any of the opportunities at the time. I had no idea why. I felt like a failure. Not once did I consider, however, if the opportunity was right for me.

Looking back, although applying for jobs and interviewing is a valuable skill, I do think I should have been more intentional. I was on my knees, begging for any job to throw me a bone, so desperate to not be unemployed, that I was spreading myself too thin. Rather than applying for everything and potentially throwing myself into a job/career path I didn’t like, it would be better for me to take the time to really consider what it is I would like to do. Where would I like to be? What would get me there? I avoided making a plan for so long because I had no idea what I was doing and I was scared of facing the uncertainty.

But you can’t avoid uncertainty forever.

Stage 4: Depression

Feeling overwhelmed by sadness, hopelessness, and a sense of loss of identity tied to the job.

The funny thing is that when you go through the depression stage of losing your job, you don’t always realize that you are depressed. Kind of.

After getting so many rejections and almosts, I began to lose my motivation. Getting out of bed was harder each morning that would pass. What was the point of trying? I was so overwhelmed and needed a break. The opportunity to take a break is a privilege I know not everyone has. I was lucky to have enough financial security to do so. I wasn’t paying rent and I had some savings. It was so on.

I decided to run away from my unemployment problems and travel. I could continue escaping my reality. And when I wasn’t traveling, I would find some other distraction, some other stimuli. I went shopping. I went out for dinners. I moved into a beautiful apartment that I really couldn’t afford, as much as I insisted I could (I had to move out after 3 months and move back in with my parents). I would go to events. My job (or lack of one thereof) didn’t exist. I was running my savings–my hard-earned, two-years-of-work savings–dry.

I was happy. I was free. There was only one rule: there would be no talk of work.

If anyone ever brought up work and reminded me of my cruel circumstance, I would try as hard as I could to ignore it–but eventually, I would burst into tears. I was still embarrassed. I was still distraught. My ego was more than bruised–it had been stomped on. Crushed. Shredded. Fed to the sharks.

I used to be a firecracker. When I was in the game, nothing could stop me from achieving my goals. Ain’t no mountain high enough, all that good stuff. But here I was. Forced to stop. Stuck. I knew I had to move, but I didn’t know where to go. And I was terrified. This is when you lean on your strengths, as well as your good support network, to bring you back home.

I don’t regret my travel and other escaping mechanisms during this depression phase. ( My wallet does. I am wayyyyy poorer than I would’ve been if I was more frugal. YOLO, I guess.) But even still, I think it is valuable to gain perspective and figure out yourself outside of work. Life is pretty freaking beautiful and you should be able to enjoy yourself once in a while (heck, maybe every day–but that might be pushing it for a New York skeptic)! I think I needed the break to ground myself again. You’ll know when you’re ready.

Unfortunately, I didn’t decide to leave the concrete jungle forever and become a travel influencer or escape the corporate world and live on a beach or farm in a foreign country. That would’ve been really cool. Sorry to disappoint you: this is not that kind of (epic) story. But while I didn’t achieve nirvana during my quarter-life crisis, once I stopped the cycle of blame and anger and began to love myself again, I started to think about losing my job differently.

Stage 5: Acceptance

Gradually coming to terms with the job loss, acknowledging the reality of the situation, and starting to plan for the future.

Eventually, after all of these stages, time goes on, you just get tired of all of it, and you’re kind of forced to accept your reality. It is the only way to move forward. But you can choose to see your reality differently than before.

I lost my coveted white-collar job that I started right out of college – but that does not define me.

People lose their jobs all the time. It freaking sucks. It’s hardly ever a part of the plan that you make for yourself. But it happens. Sometimes some forces are bigger than you that you cannot control. But what you can control is how you deal with it.

2024 was a rough year for me, career-wise. But it also brought about a lot of great things too. It can be hard to remember that sometimes, especially since in American society, we’re kind of brought up to believe that you should live to work. But work does not define you. At least, it isn’t the only thing that should play into that equation.

When I was down in the dumps, I forced myself to write a list of things that I had done outside of my flailing career that made me feel good. I did this month by month. Suddenly, I had a long list of memories and activities with my loved ones that I could refer back to when spiraling. I encourage you to do the same, to offer some comfort in unemployment and uncertainty.

Here is an excerpt of my journal entry after writing said list:

Ok, so this is everything i’ve done, career stuff removed. i’ve done things. i’ve also done more career wise. but none of this time has been a waste. could i do more? probably. but i think i’ve done a good job of experiencing life and remembering what is important. my relationships are there. i am happy with all those i have in my life. i feel so lucky.

i can’t think of these last 6 months as wasted time because it is so far from that. i’ve travelled around the world. i’vetried new things. i’ve built homes. i’ve explored new york. i’ve learned. i’ve grown. i’ve spent time with my family and friends. i built the most beautiful loving relationship with a man i love—none of which existed 6 months ago.

so i have done things in these last 6 months. i can be proud of myself. i shouldn’t spiral. i should instead look at these last 6 months as labor in love. i’ve built up love again after one of my darkest hours. Love in the world. Love in my family and friends. Love in my boyfriend. Love in myself.

Now the question becomes where do I love to work?

Losing your job is an incredibly destabilizing period. I ask that you lean into that uncertainty and challenge yourself to live outside of your career path, even if it is just for a moment. I know it might seem impossible, especially if you’re terrified about your future, but maybe try and enjoy your freedom a little.

And if you are privileged enough to have the financial flexibility: travel. Enjoy little luxuries. Let yourself be a little stupid. But make sure you have a good support network to keep you in check. Especially if you’re in your 20s like I am (or do not have any dependents/other pressing financial responsibilities), go ahead and take some risks. We’re pretty lucky to be in this spot where you only really have to take care of yourself. So forget about work for a little and live your life outside of corporate chains for a while. Grant yourself that little escape.

And when you’re ready (you might never feel entirely ready, but you’ll have to be): thinking about what you want to do in life is probably one of the hardest questions you’ll have to answer time and time again throughout your life. But you have to do it if you want to have some command over the direction of your life.

As someone who’s been running from that question for a long time, I think it is about time I stand and face it. And if the time ever comes when you find yourself in the same position as me–unemployed and scared–I hope you find the strength to do so too.

Cheers,

Sophia

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